My name originates from a Hindu god’s name, so naturally, people subconsciously perceive me as a devoted Hindu. But the real shocker comes when they find out I’m actually agnostic – kind of an atheistic ideology. Enough of my self-explanation yapping.

Is God a real concept? That’s a question everyone stumbles upon at some point in life. Here, I’m just gonna yap about the ideological evolution of my understanding toward the concept of “God.”

(Disclaimer: These are just my perspectives. No offense to any religion!)

I am a byproduct of a family that follows Hinduism, so, of course, I was taught to follow Hinduism too. But unlike other strict religions, Hinduism has this flexible nature. I was taken to temples, but I was never forced to pray. I had to memorize devotional poems and mantras for school because religion was a compulsory subject, but it never really pushed me into devotion. I effortlessly scored well in the subject, but my connection to religion stayed neutral – just below the “I hate this” bar.

Hinduism, at its core, is built on mythological storytelling. Did I believe it? That’s secondary. But I found it interesting. One thing I noticed was how most religions portray their gods as humans who became divine through their extraordinary deeds. But Hinduism was different- it revolved around the idea of superhumans who later became gods. That was my first hmm moment.

But I didn’t question it much. I tried to stay as optimistic as possible and ignore the doubts. After all, I was subconsciously taught to believe in God.

The Clarity in Uncertainty

At 18, I had a realization. I didn’t exactly doubt God’s existence, but I became more aware of the concept of God – the way people worship, the way rituals work, and the system built around it. I wasn’t against the idea of God; I just had issues with the way people followed and admired God.

In 2023, I had one of the most peaceful conversations ever- with a pure Christian girl and an omnist guy. Three different belief systems, one open discussion. We didn’t argue; we just shared our perspectives. Then, I had another conversation with an atheist guy. I asked him, “What led you to believe that God doesn’t exist?”

He said, “I have no proof or past experience to back it up, but I’ve never really been interested in this topic. As a kid, my parents forced me to pray, but as an adult, I just chose not to.”

That hit me differently. If praying is a discipline, shouldn’t it be a self discipline, not a forced discipline? Being an atheist is a bold stance. I remembered a classmate from school who used to argue with everyone about why God isn’t real. Recently, I met him again, and guess what? He no longer calls himself an atheist. When I asked him about it, he simply said his perspective changed over time.

This made me realize that people’s views on God aren’t static – they evolve. And that’s when I was sure. I am an agnostic. I don’t claim God exists. I don’t claim He doesn’t. I just have way too many questions.

Here is another Kutty story!

When I was five, I got my first religious book. The cover had a beautifully illustrated deity, and I took it to shobana teacher.

“Who is this?” I asked.

She smiled and said, “This is God.”

“Who is God?”

“God is someone who gives you whatever you wish for.”

Excited, I asked, “So, will He really give me anything I wish?”

She nodded. “Yes, as long as it’s right. He observing all your action from sky and if you do good things he will grant your wishes or else he will make your wishes incomplete”

I stared at the picture again and asked, “But he looks like a human. What made him God?”

Her answer was simple but powerful: “Kindness. He had so much kindness that it made him divine.”

And that stuck with me.

At five, I believed God was the giver of wishes, the one who rewarded good and withheld from the bad. At eighteen, I questioned not just God’s existence but the rituals and expectations tied to faith. Now, as an adult, I stand in the space of uncertainty-  not denying, not confirming, but always questioning. And maybe that’s the real essence of being human – not blind belief or rigid skepticism, but the courage to seek understanding.

If there’s a God, maybe He’s not some supernatural being sitting in the sky. Maybe God is just the kindness within us. If kindness is what makes a human divine, then every person has the potential to be god-like. Perhaps, instead of seeking a deity in the heavens, we should strive to be the kindest versions of ourselves right here on earth.

There’s a phrase in Tamil that perfectly sums it up- “Anbe Shivam” (Love is God). I refer love as kindness here.

And that, I can believe in.